Sunday, November 18, 2012
Lota, Sena, Lootmaar!
Sirji, I have to be in Mumbai today! Eh! Why? Sirji, back in my callow times of youth, I had been a Sena Pramukh of some sort. Balasaheb has left us and I thought I have to go back there to pay my last respects. You, a Sena goon, were you? So, how come you have changed? Sirji, it was all because of a "lota"! A lota? Yes Sir, it was a lota. It happened like this. It was Jan 1993. I was only 22 and we were a group of Pramukhs from Thane. The earlier night we had received summons from the Sena bosses who no doubt were advised by Balasaheb himself that the battle cry against the city Muslims had been sounded and we were to get ready with the address lists and the 'equipment' or 'asla' as some call it. We got ready. But immediately after a round of 'vada pao' my very weak stomach gave away and I had to go to the loo. So, I dashed off towards the toilet stacked against the outer wall of the premises. I was about to lock the door and then I remembered that the lota was outside and one had to get that lota, fill it with water and then do the needful. I went back outside. The lota was not at the usual spot. I was feeling the brunt of the pao by then and started a ragged and crunched rectum search for the offending lota. I did not find it anywhere inside the premises. So, I crept out quietly to the roadside to see if there was any dabba or such like in the nearby construction site. Dawn was just breaking and I, a Sena Pramukh, could not be seen slinking around trying to empty my bowels after all. So, I ran into the construction site holding my buttocks for dear life. I managed to find a plastic jar that the laborers use for the water during construction. I did what I had to do in one corner of the site. I silently asked for forgiveness from all the gods that I may have offended. Then, I jogged back to the office. There was no one. The riots took place without me. I was not showered with accolades and neither I could gather some moolah in the accumulated loot. I was totally ignored. Sad, no..! So, why are you going for the funeral? Sirji, the next level of lootmaar shall happen now and just my being there would possibly bring me some much needed gains in this middle age! "Bolo Sirji, Ho sakta hai na?"